Ministry is a calling, right?
Many people say they hear the voice of God and they follow. It took me a while to listen, but I know I heard the voice quite some time ago and I finally followed this year. With ministry come sacrifice and honestly, you don't go into ministry with the idea that you'll get stars by your name or jewels in your crown. You just do what you're supposed to do.
I had several fears when going into ministry: 1) I wouldn't be good enough. 2.) Ministry is lonely. 3.) I wouldn't make it. I put those fears aside in March and dove head/heart first into what I believed was right for Sharby. Now as the year closes, I'm starting to think I bit off more than I could chew.
It's 7:21am and I don't want to go to work... again. I'm back in the classroom, granted it's a Christian school, but the kids are (in my lowly opinion) worse than my public school kids as far as respect, home training, and drive goes. I left the school so I could leave the classroom... I had to get out before I lost my mind. It's 7:21am and I'm also thinking that I'll work from 8:15am - 7:00pm and come home to an empty apartment, watch a little TV, do my daily devotional, and call it a night... asleep by 10pm (because if not, I'll have an even worse attitude than I have usually). Not so fun... very lonely...
I'm thinking that I'm not going to make it. I am called to music ministry, but I am not growing in my musical skills, talents, or the like at all. It's no one's fault. I take the blame. I'm a people pleaser. I should have said, "No, I can't help get the school on track, because I don't think it will be healthy for me to spend 11 hours a day with children that are not my own." So, here it is, December and I'm thinking that I'm right back to where I was a year ago... 1.) Hating teaching. 2.) Wanting to do more with music. 3.) Not wanting to wake up and go to work... 4.) Asking myself, "How the hell did you get here... again!!!"
This boy, who's opinion doesn't count at all (but is obviously noteworthy for this blog), stated that I'm right back where I was a year ago because basically (in a nutshell) I think the world revolves around me... Hmmm...
I've thought about that alot over the last week and it's not true. I'm not going to waste time defending my belief that it's not true, but I do offer this rebuttle... If it was all about me, I would've been dead a long time ago. Trust me.
I'm thinking about sacrifice at this point. Am I supposed to sacrifice music for education (something I have experience and knowledge in but NO HEART FOR), or did I just allow the people pleasing to over-ride my better judgment? Am I supposed to fight my unhappiness (aka flesh) for how ever long until I'm released? Or do I have that sit down and say, "I'm sorry to disappoint. I'm sure you knew before you hired me and I tried to prove you wrong, but this is not for me. I hate being the only single staff member. I hate that I haven't been involved in the music department in months. I hate that I don't want to get up in the morning and come to work. And I hate feeling like sometimes people think I don't do enough. So, I have to go. Where, I don't know. But I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to try. For believing in me. For giving me a chance. And once again, I'm sorry. I'm imperfect and I can't pretend anymore."
So, I'm getting up... washing my butt... fighting the traffic to get to work... to wonder all day, if I'm really supposed to be doing this...
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