Tuesday - December 18, 2007 -- Ministry & More

Ministry is a calling, right?

Many people say they hear the voice of God and they follow. It took me a while to listen, but I know I heard the voice quite some time ago and I finally followed this year. With ministry come sacrifice and honestly, you don't go into ministry with the idea that you'll get stars by your name or jewels in your crown. You just do what you're supposed to do.

I had several fears when going into ministry: 1) I wouldn't be good enough. 2.) Ministry is lonely. 3.) I wouldn't make it. I put those fears aside in March and dove head/heart first into what I believed was right for Sharby. Now as the year closes, I'm starting to think I bit off more than I could chew.

It's 7:21am and I don't want to go to work... again. I'm back in the classroom, granted it's a Christian school, but the kids are (in my lowly opinion) worse than my public school kids as far as respect, home training, and drive goes. I left the school so I could leave the classroom... I had to get out before I lost my mind. It's 7:21am and I'm also thinking that I'll work from 8:15am - 7:00pm and come home to an empty apartment, watch a little TV, do my daily devotional, and call it a night... asleep by 10pm (because if not, I'll have an even worse attitude than I have usually). Not so fun... very lonely...

I'm thinking that I'm not going to make it. I am called to music ministry, but I am not growing in my musical skills, talents, or the like at all. It's no one's fault. I take the blame. I'm a people pleaser. I should have said, "No, I can't help get the school on track, because I don't think it will be healthy for me to spend 11 hours a day with children that are not my own." So, here it is, December and I'm thinking that I'm right back to where I was a year ago... 1.) Hating teaching. 2.) Wanting to do more with music. 3.) Not wanting to wake up and go to work... 4.) Asking myself, "How the hell did you get here... again!!!"

This boy, who's opinion doesn't count at all (but is obviously noteworthy for this blog), stated that I'm right back where I was a year ago because basically (in a nutshell) I think the world revolves around me... Hmmm...

I've thought about that alot over the last week and it's not true. I'm not going to waste time defending my belief that it's not true, but I do offer this rebuttle... If it was all about me, I would've been dead a long time ago. Trust me.

I'm thinking about sacrifice at this point. Am I supposed to sacrifice music for education (something I have experience and knowledge in but NO HEART FOR), or did I just allow the people pleasing to over-ride my better judgment? Am I supposed to fight my unhappiness (aka flesh) for how ever long until I'm released? Or do I have that sit down and say, "I'm sorry to disappoint. I'm sure you knew before you hired me and I tried to prove you wrong, but this is not for me. I hate being the only single staff member. I hate that I haven't been involved in the music department in months. I hate that I don't want to get up in the morning and come to work. And I hate feeling like sometimes people think I don't do enough. So, I have to go. Where, I don't know. But I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to try. For believing in me. For giving me a chance. And once again, I'm sorry. I'm imperfect and I can't pretend anymore."

So, I'm getting up... washing my butt... fighting the traffic to get to work... to wonder all day, if I'm really supposed to be doing this...

Tuesday - January 15, 2008 -- Kaputz

So, it's been a while... Lots has happened. Lots hasn't happened.

My computer finally went k-a-p-u-t-z right after Christmas, so I haven't had a chance to write much. This will serve as my quick catch up for those of you who have been hounding me for an entry.

Boxes are in place. Resignation has been delivered. I'm leaving... on that midnight train to... well, destination TBA. We all know my desire to live in NYC for a year. That may come true sooner than I think, but we'll see.

I've been reprimanded for calling men, boys... so - to catch you up on that note. That 'man' is dating other chicks. So, that's a wrap. Yes, I'm bitter. Moving on...

Had mixed emotions about the resignation. Had mixed emotions about the move. Have had mixed emotions about life in general. Not sure what the future holds.

Can't really talk about leaving right now. It's not time.

To be so young, there are days I look back and feel like I've accomplished alot. There are many other days that I look back and say, "What the heck happened here?!" I've heard that the 30's are the 'place to be,' and that the 40's are 'on it!' God has blessed me to see 28 years thus far, He can't be through with me yet, can He?

Started writing again... of course my novels never get finished, because I write myself out of the 'process' that I'm in. It's therapeutic. The main character is always me, and the subject is always whatever I'm going through at the moment... usually some crap with some boy. Excuse me --- man. Or some family drama. Or some work drama. Or some drama I'm helping a friend through. Reading helps my novelas unfold.

As I've said before I'm reading this book (and yes, I should be finished), but it's really been tough to read with my schedule being as hectic as it has been. Anyhow, finally the meaty part of the book shares with me everything I should know/remember about who I am. I'm a princess, and if he can't recognizereal, then I should not even have any interest in anything he's doing.

Excerpt from a poem called Pursued:

Whoever he is,

Wherever he is,

He'll pursue me.

Whenever he comes,

However he comes,

I hope that I'm ready.

He'll come with flowers,

and genuine, unsolicited attention.

He'll not get on my nerves (so much),

and they'll never be silence of the awkward kind.

He'll pursue my heart.

He'll pursue my love.

He'll pursue the flaws and unfinished parts of my soul.

Well, it's time for me to go away. I'll share more next time.

Saturday - January 19, 2008 -- In Addition

Got my hair relaxed last night... ahhh, felt so nice! LOL! It was good to be home and in capable hands. I can't really relax when getting my hair done in Dallas. Too many worries about how much hair you're cutting, did you condition it right, do you really know what you're doing... Hmph. Lufkin ain't like that!

Been thinking about my recent decision to 'trade spaces.' I'll miss ol' D-town and I'll definitely miss TCOC. I've been very cautious about what I say my move has to do with for fear that someone will get the wrong idea. So, today, I'll clarify. I'm not leaving because I'm angry or mad. I'm not frustrated or hurt. I'm just tired. I haven't felt like I've had the 'right' to be tired or worn out or to be in need of a break. My cohorts have so much energy and never seem to need a moment to just breathe. That was hard for me to swallow. It's part of who I am to need a weekend to myself every so often. I can't function without it. (Heck, I was a only child for most of my life and I've been single most of my adult life... I need my space! LOL!) I missed my family and my friends (many of who were just 30- 40 minutes away). I missed having a day to just be with Sharby and do what she needs to do without pressure to be 'back by' a certain time. But at the same time, for the most part, I loved ministry. I loved the people, the services, the work that went along with it. I loved my team/family that was in this with me. But I couldn't take the schedule, the no day off, the ever-constant pull away from music... Honestly, I think that bothered me the most. I've missed it for a long time now.

It's been weighing on me. And although I feel a relief, I feel a sadness too. I'll miss TCOC and I think TCOC will miss me.

On another note, my neice is here. Ahhh, she's so beautiful... and a big ball of baby fat! I love it! I've often said that I don't want kids of my own and it's true. I can't deal with them all day and night, everyday, all day. Then they grown up and give you tons of drama... homework, dating, decisions about life, college, and not to mention... MONEY! I've said it before... I need to breathe! But... she's made me give a little more thought to it... Nah... I'll stick with no kids.

Well, I'm off to check out some supplies I'll need. Take inventory of the days ahead.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 -- I should probably write...

I should probably write since I haven't in a long time. I have no idea what to talk about... though, there is alot I'd like to say. So, I guess I'll just start:

I was watching my dad come in from work the other day (and yes, he's been retired for 8 years, but doesn't seem to know it yet). And for the first time, ever, he looked tired and old. Not 'old man - geriatric old,' but just aged. He's always been handsome (to me at least) and he's always had a swagger, but he works such long hours for a man of 63. And for the first time, ever, I got worried. Worried that all the drama that seems to consume time and swirl around him would be the thing to take him away from me.

I'm frustrated. No, I'm angry. Mad that my brother has made the choices that he's made and acts the way he does. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be the 'good child' so that he has someone to look up to... he obviously isn't watching anyway. I'm not saying that I haven't made any mistakes... God in heaven sure knows I have. My Christianity doesn't cleanse me anymore than it cleanses you. We're all in this together -- sinners saved by grace. But I don't understand how a child can act the way he does. It obviously stresses and hurts my parents. It obviously stresses and hurts his sister... yet, he pursists. My niceties are ebbing away, and soon I fear, I will be at a loss for words when he's around. My inability to understand such malicious, venomous, and blatant disrespect is moving me towards silence.

Children: A topic of much discussion lately. I've always said I don't want them, and God knows the way society is headed, I don't know if it's safe. The pressures are too great. The struggles seem to never end... no matter how much education you possess, no matter how much you shelter and shield. The world is the world -- and it's the only one for us to live in. But lately, after looking at my father, and realizing, and really accepting that... deep down... I want him to be a grandfather... the grandfather of my child/children. And I want him to see them and be able to play with them and change their diapers and have them over for weekend sleepovers and teach them the things of his generation that ony he can teach. Don't get me wrong, Elisia is great. She's beautiful and fat and all the things that a baby should be... she's his grandchild... but she's not my child. If I could take December 7th back and shift time and hold on just a little longer... I would.

And then, I look at the children at school. They are so disrespectful and so disappointing to me. I hear myself asking every day: "Where are their parents?!?" And then, I realize... they're parents are my old schoomates and classmates. And frankly, they're just a mirror of what's being projected at home. But on the other hand, I look at other students (and adults) that have persevered through the toughest of situations. I see them excel and shift the medium. And I can't help but question: What is it? Is there a certain gene that's missing from many of our kids? Is there a cog that God puts in you before you arrive... and some of our kids were so impatient in getting here that they missed getting that cog? Why are they so ugly to one another and adults? Why are they hell bent on trying to 'check' everyone - having no regard for authority? And... again... through this questioning I remember, that although I want Daddy to see my children and be able to do everything I've dreamt of him doing with them, I can't possibly, truly want to bring a child into this world with such risks...can I?

I laugh now as I re-read this blog for final posting. (I usually skim to make sure that my language is at least 'half-way' correct.) I took a writing class several years ago. Loved it... I would love to go to USC or UCLA and just sit and write with the literary ones. Maybe even transfer to NYU or Columbia just to see if people on the East Coast think differently when they write. Anyway, I was thinking about this writing class and how the teacher just encouraged us to write. To just write about whatever came to mind. Pencil never leaving the page. Just write.
I'd write for what seemed like forever. Starting off with some non-chalant topic... and then, boom... it would happen. The root of my thoughts would bore through near the end. I would have 'worked it out on paper.' Or at least gotten to a point where I could start working it out. And I guess, that's what this blog was for... to work it out on paper.

So, Kids or No Kids... that is the question. (Remember that little ditty from the early 90's? To be or not to be... that is the question... yeah... LOL!)

ciao

Monday, June 2, 2009 -- Oh Yes!

I do not know why I always choose to write at night... I'm sleepy, eyes are pasty, not finished packing, and I have an early flight! UGH!

This traveling thing is really soothing for me. So many questions and doubts when I chose to move to the country, but I knew it was the thing to do. Somehow, I knew that returning to my horses and the smell of pinetrees and my Granny's house would rejuvenate the true Sharby. D-town I could stand no more! Oh, please believe it's been rough... O.K. rough is an understatement. (And if you've read the book Black Pain, you know exactly what I am referring to.) Eitherway, I'm moving through it. It took all of 7 months, but finally, I'm thinking the smoke is clearing.

Went to see Sex and the City this weekend. Good girl flick. Good flick for 'thought.' (In the midst of daily doses of Anderson Cooper 360 I needed a little 'chick flick' time.) Carrie posed an interesting question to the gals: "Will I ever laugh again?" I nearly laughed... at her! 6 months ago, laughing was a rarity for me too. Hell, waking up was hard to do, so her statement hit home. Made me think. Made me remember, reflect, and rekindle my love of laughter.

My Houston trip was fantastic... (understatement again) I have no words at 12:25 am, so, today we'll stick with fantastic. Houston had become a city of angst for me. I abhor the I-45 drive from D-town to H-town and I was starting to abhor the view of I-45 South at the 59 interchange. That little section on 288 from Southmore to MacGregor... hated it. U of H is not my cup of tea. BUT this weekend changed that I think. The smoke, oh yes baby, the smoke is clearing. Wasn't bothered by my view of Rice or UofH from my hotel room at 59 and Kirby. I think Maze said it best, "Happy feelings in the air...."

I think my LA adventure will be just as grand. Well, maybe not as grand, but nice nonetheless! Oh, isn't it nice when you can see clearly and the roses actually have a scent and the birds actually sing a beautiful song? Yup, my tune has changed. Didn't think the day would come, did you?

Hmph... me either.

Retro Posts...

Over the holiday break, I plan to shut down various networking accounts I have and operate them at a minimum. Its becoming weirder and weirder to have random people from the past (or present) 'friend' me on some social networking site. It doesn't mean I don't like them, it just means I don't necessarily want to 'social network' with them. On some of those sites, I have blogs -- from AGES ago... They are little pieces of me and I need to make sure I have them where I want them.

Sooo, I'm moving them here! Not sure if I'll post them all in one blog entry, or have several posts. Either way, I'll probably post them here and on Wordpress. As always, read at your own risk!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008 -- The Shack

O.K. I'm posting this from my phone, so we'll see how this goes... first time for everything right?

I think its been a safe assumption to say that I've been a little 'put out' with God over the last few months. Not that I haven't loved him or anything, we've just been having a bit of a 'difference of opinion' over life. I'm very opinionated and tend to over analyze things at times. I also like things to be in order and I tend to expect answers soon after I ask a question. Patience is not my prized personality trait, nor is my ability to accept disappointment or defeat - especially when I've worked my butt off to acheive a specific goal/outcome. So specifically, I guess its safe to say that I have moments when I revert to the 'only child' syndrome.

My latest bout with pain, disappointment, frustration (however you choose to label it) has led a few friends to suggest some books for my reading 'pleasure.' The first was called, "Black Pain." (I'll keep that bad boy on my shelf and refer to it as I return to the social work/counseling profession one day.) Superb look at depression and how it effects the Black community. Helped me process some thoughts, start a few reflective essays, and reminded me that I need to start my Ph.D sometime before 30! LOL The second book, "The Shack," has captured my heart. Its a candid, true-to-life account of a grieving father's experience with God in the most horrifying of places - the shack where his youngest daughter's murder occured. I've been struggling with my ability/desire to read the bible, attend anyone's church service, or the like. It's seemed that God had been busy tending to the 'other children' and had left this fitful one (me) in the corner to fight it out alone. Save for my understanding and previous interaction with God, his promise to me over 10 years ago found in Joshua 1:5, and my mustard seed of hope that this great hole in my heart truly served a purpose - I was teetering on the edge of walking away from our relationship completely for a while. Stupidly, I think I thought I could treat Him as I've heard some women say they treat their man... (walk away from him, do my own thing, and He'd come running... wanting me back! HA! Wth was I thinking???) The amazing thing about this book is, while sitting comfortably in my American Airlines window seat, it had the ability to make me want to fall down on my knees and bury my face in my hands. I had to put the book down for a few minutes and simply go to sleep because I didn't want to 'work out' my 'God-issues' on a plane, nor did I want to cry... at all!

I don't know if anyone has ever had the pleasure of experiencing God as I have before. My close girlfriends often tease me by asking, 'Girl, what did God tell you about such and such?' Its funny and its cute in its own little way, but really, when you're accustomed to having a seriously-real relationship with God (not that your relationship with him isn't real!) and all of a sudden it seems as if he just stops talking or listening, its a bit hard to comprehend. Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm to blame for any dissention in our relationship, but working it out on an airplane is not cool! LOL So we land, I get off the plane, and sit in the car while Cuz runs in Trader Joes. After waiting for more than ten minutes, I decide to pull out the book and tackle a few pages (not that having this encounter with God in the parking lot of Trader Joes is better than an airplane, but hey)... I read as Mack (the grieving father) confonts Elousia (the name God calls herself-yes, I said herself, read the book and you'll understand) and she shares so many revelations with him, heck with me.

In reference to the scars on her wrist, ones she obtained via The Cross, she says, "Love always leaves a significant mark." When Mack lashes out about feeling alone and abandoned, Elousia says, "...Will you at least consider this: When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?" Wow... I can't even begin to share what this book is doing for me. I haven't finished it. I'm struggling with trying to read it in the privacy of whatever stolen moment I can have alone here in Cali. It's a moving conversation that Mack has, one that I feel privy to via novel, via Elousia... via God. It seems its starting the conversation that God has been trying to have with me... the conversation I've been trying to have with Him... the conversation that I guess I had to go through the 'fire' to even comprehend.

Go get it. Read it. It will change you. Oh, yes!

Football/Basketball

So it's the end of football season tomorrow... well for me it is. Pooh's games are over and well, you can't count on the Panther's for a playoff season anymore. Lufkin football sucks. Period. TSU's offensive inconsistency is working my nerves, so it's probably best we end this Tigerville Maina ASAP, LOL. Before we pack the RV, I wanted to share a highlight of the season. That's my Pooh on the left over there... #96. The comeback kid at Second Chance University. I'm thankful for his second chance... so many don't get a second chance. Check out the ESPN article.

Trifling

Trifling --- I think I'm going to officially change my first name to include this word, excuse me, name that my mother religiously calls me. I'm also selfish, inconsiderate, and lazy... Well, damn! If I was all of that, why the hell am I always so tired?? Ooooohhhh... that's right -- I only do things I want to do. Hmph.

The plan was not to be involved in this grant writing that's going on at my job. The plan was to work on Benchmark stuff, visit classrooms, and connect with teachers. Heck, it's the end of the semester --- I can at least afford to make eye to eye contact with my teachers and student's, eh? NOT. So, I'm unselfishly working on a grant with my colleagues. (I actually enjoy them, it just came at a not so cool time.) I have a plan in my head today --- I'm leaving work, going home and feed the horses, shower, nap, wake up to work on the grant around 12:30, talk to Dejuan, write, edit, etc. nap til 7:00 -- wake up and go to work! And yet -- it's 10:15pm, I'm awake, blogging, and haven't accomplished anything. YET, I did help my family move a refrigerator, clean portions of the kitchen floor, restock portions of the pantry, restock the newly moved deep freezer -- in the friggin freezing -- and such. But I'm lazy, and trifling, and selfish, and inconsiderate...

I wish I could pinpoint a day it started -- the name calling -- the labeling. I just remember thinking as a kid, a young kid too, "Your mother is not always your ally." Now how the hell I knew what an ally was at age 6, I don't know, LOL, but hey --- I was always reading something! My grandmother would tell me to NOT be lazy and trifling, but I don't necessarily remember her calling me those names. I'm not saying she didn't because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... Eitherway, somehow my mother 'took a liking' to calling me these names -- so much that I do believe I should change my first name because friggin 25 years later -- she calls me something other than the name she gave me quite regularly.

I remember in HS hating to come home sometimes. Why on earth would I not want to come home?? Well, because there was always something to do AND you could guarantee I was going to be put on 'probation' for something like not washing the dishes or mumbling under my breath. (You'd think I'd gotten an MIP or had come home pregnant or that I wasn't already enrolled in college classes at age 12 and working at Bealls and maintaining my GPA.) I enjoy lounging, reading a book and having some tunes flowing in the background. Heck, back then, I even enjoyed talking on the phone. I enjoy hiding out in my room and not being bothered. I mean, I like people, but I also like some peace! Maybe I have a hint of 'OCS' -- Only Child Syndrome. And here, I chose to move back home, and I still have these reoccurring issues of, "Crap! She's home! I better make sure I'm doing something... I don't want to be called Lazy today!" WTFrigginCow? Are you serious??

Wooo Saaaaah....

I'm 30. I live at home by choice. Today, I've decided I have to be out by December 20th or I will self-destruct. Period. I'm making a list of the things that absolutely have to be finished before I move into Granny's house. I will finish them in 2 weeks. This much is true. Even if I have to pimp myself out in some way. I may be tired as hell when I finish, but I will be sleeping in my own house, in my own room --- with no one to call me their rude-ass names.

Cheating

So I cheat on this blog with another one... It's found at this address... http://blobyjo.wordpress.com

Still don't know which one I like best... so for now I'm cheating on my blog, with my blog - Ha!

Thanks Dwele :)

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