Over the holiday break, I plan to shut down various networking accounts I have and operate them at a minimum. Its becoming weirder and weirder to have random people from the past (or present) 'friend' me on some social networking site. It doesn't mean I don't like them, it just means I don't necessarily want to 'social network' with them. On some of those sites, I have blogs -- from AGES ago... They are little pieces of me and I need to make sure I have them where I want them.
Sooo, I'm moving them here! Not sure if I'll post them all in one blog entry, or have several posts. Either way, I'll probably post them here and on Wordpress. As always, read at your own risk!
Tuesday, June 03, 2008 -- The Shack
O.K. I'm posting this from my phone, so we'll see how this goes... first time for everything right?
I think its been a safe assumption to say that I've been a little 'put out' with God over the last few months. Not that I haven't loved him or anything, we've just been having a bit of a 'difference of opinion' over life. I'm very opinionated and tend to over analyze things at times. I also like things to be in order and I tend to expect answers soon after I ask a question. Patience is not my prized personality trait, nor is my ability to accept disappointment or defeat - especially when I've worked my butt off to acheive a specific goal/outcome. So specifically, I guess its safe to say that I have moments when I revert to the 'only child' syndrome.
My latest bout with pain, disappointment, frustration (however you choose to label it) has led a few friends to suggest some books for my reading 'pleasure.' The first was called, "Black Pain." (I'll keep that bad boy on my shelf and refer to it as I return to the social work/counseling profession one day.) Superb look at depression and how it effects the Black community. Helped me process some thoughts, start a few reflective essays, and reminded me that I need to start my Ph.D sometime before 30! LOL The second book, "The Shack," has captured my heart. Its a candid, true-to-life account of a grieving father's experience with God in the most horrifying of places - the shack where his youngest daughter's murder occured. I've been struggling with my ability/desire to read the bible, attend anyone's church service, or the like. It's seemed that God had been busy tending to the 'other children' and had left this fitful one (me) in the corner to fight it out alone. Save for my understanding and previous interaction with God, his promise to me over 10 years ago found in Joshua 1:5, and my mustard seed of hope that this great hole in my heart truly served a purpose - I was teetering on the edge of walking away from our relationship completely for a while. Stupidly, I think I thought I could treat Him as I've heard some women say they treat their man... (walk away from him, do my own thing, and He'd come running... wanting me back! HA! Wth was I thinking???) The amazing thing about this book is, while sitting comfortably in my American Airlines window seat, it had the ability to make me want to fall down on my knees and bury my face in my hands. I had to put the book down for a few minutes and simply go to sleep because I didn't want to 'work out' my 'God-issues' on a plane, nor did I want to cry... at all!
I don't know if anyone has ever had the pleasure of experiencing God as I have before. My close girlfriends often tease me by asking, 'Girl, what did God tell you about such and such?' Its funny and its cute in its own little way, but really, when you're accustomed to having a seriously-real relationship with God (not that your relationship with him isn't real!) and all of a sudden it seems as if he just stops talking or listening, its a bit hard to comprehend. Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm to blame for any dissention in our relationship, but working it out on an airplane is not cool! LOL So we land, I get off the plane, and sit in the car while Cuz runs in Trader Joes. After waiting for more than ten minutes, I decide to pull out the book and tackle a few pages (not that having this encounter with God in the parking lot of Trader Joes is better than an airplane, but hey)... I read as Mack (the grieving father) confonts Elousia (the name God calls herself-yes, I said herself, read the book and you'll understand) and she shares so many revelations with him, heck with me.
In reference to the scars on her wrist, ones she obtained via The Cross, she says, "Love always leaves a significant mark." When Mack lashes out about feeling alone and abandoned, Elousia says, "...Will you at least consider this: When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?" Wow... I can't even begin to share what this book is doing for me. I haven't finished it. I'm struggling with trying to read it in the privacy of whatever stolen moment I can have alone here in Cali. It's a moving conversation that Mack has, one that I feel privy to via novel, via Elousia... via God. It seems its starting the conversation that God has been trying to have with me... the conversation I've been trying to have with Him... the conversation that I guess I had to go through the 'fire' to even comprehend.
Go get it. Read it. It will change you. Oh, yes!
