Self-Preservation

I'll call him "Him" -- not God, just a man, but a Him nonetheless. I love Him, and unfortunately for me, I love hard. I breached what could be a wonderful relationship by brandishing my obnoxious selfish attitude. Now he's gone... taking a break. A moment. The moment feels like forever... Yes, I'll wait that long for him.

I venture to say I'm attractive. A nice looking 'young lady,' ha! Yet, once the male species gets to know me, my personality is too strong, I'm too abrasive, too much. So, I am forced to reduce another piece of me in hopes that someone will come along and find me 'just right.' Yet, a huge part of me says, "No! Do not succumb to the charges of man. You are unique, you are beautiful, you are precious! Like no other... do not change!"

And I digress... there are things I need to change about myself. Yes, we all are capable of some positive changes. Yet, I find it hard to know the change that's best for me... while keeping myself - myrealself.

Uneven

Something's wrong with me. I'm not sure if its depression, or just pure craziness. I'm a teacher, but I hate children... little ones at least. I have all these degrees, which in all actuality -- amount to nothing because I don't care enough about the discipline to use them.

I can't figure this life out. Some say I have an easy life. Some say... but they don't know my brain. They don't know my tendency to fight with expectations and disappointment and the whirl of not knowing. The whirl of not understanding. The fact that I can't find my place. I can't understand the point of it all.

I'm not a good person. Yes I am... on the outside at least. On the surface... I'm a nice person. I want the best for everyone. On the surface. But underneath, I'm not.

I have all this angst and frustration and anger and more frustration and pure dissatisfaction. I disappoint everyone around me, hell, I even disappoint myself. I don't know what to do to fix it and I have trust issues, so talking to someone is not an option right now...

So I live in misery.

The Kick-Off

So I've decided to blog... full-time. I'm quite sick of Facebook and MySpace. I'm starting to Twitter, but all in all, I think my needs will be often met by simply blogging. I just want space to say things. Things that you may agree with. Things of which you may not. Either way, it's my space... not MySpace. It's uncensored. It's raw. It's real. My thoughts. How I feel. It's SharbyJo = The Superlative. Period.

I'm not sharing this space with my students or 'Christian' friends. Facebook/MySpace is enough for them. So, for those of you who have been invited:

Read...

if you dare.